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William suggested a moonlit stroll to the falls’ edge lighthouse, and I’m not sure what to think. A romantic site, to be sure. Witness to many a marriage proposal and even more stolen kisses. How often have we watched couples meander out—and how often have we seen one saunter back alone, whistling nonchalantly? Does he mean to bind us closer together (as our mothers desire), or to cast me away? I’m prepared for either. One of us may perish tonight, but it shan’t be me.
Love,
Theodora
I’ve made a stunning discovery on this research expedition. (It stunned me like a cloud of mustard gas!) We’d thought that the pinker feathers flamingoes get from eating shrimp was what attracted their mates. But we learned that, in females, a shrimp diet causes the most fragrant flatulence in the animal kingdom. They use their wings to fan that stench toward males they fancy—and it works! The males who don’t pass out go mad with lust and become eternally devoted to their stinky lovers.
Worry not, my sweet; I’m saving all my best farts. Can’t wait to get under the covers with you!
Your wife